Last we spoke, it was about change. Well, I have experienced a lot of that since then. Life will throw you a curve ball right when you think that you have it all figured out. Suddenly-we get snatched out of our delusional comfort zones and forced to face our true selves. Do we fold, or do we stand? Do we double down, or crap out? It is exceptionally challenging-being both spiritual and afflicted with a mental health disorder. When I experience anxiety, I struggle with feeling like I have a lack of faith-when really my body is recovering from trauma that is buried deep within my nervous system. I have to remind myself of these things. All of the things I learn in therapy. All of the things I learn from all of the books that I read ABOUT these things. I had to change my mentality. I had to learn about altering the way that I perceive situations that trigger me. I had to be willing to cut everyone but my kids out of my life. I had to stop eating certain foods-and cut caffeine off completely. I had to take up yoga, and get a job that requires me to move around for long periods of time. I had to get an emotional support animal. I have to journal every day. I have to go outside everyday. And, under no circumstances can I ever have synthetic drugs- nor alcohol. This is what it takes for me to stay mentally stable. These are the sacrifices I have to make to stay planted to the ground... because without personal rules, and unbreakable boundaries I float away.
BALANCE IS WHAT I SEEK-AND BALANCE I SHALL HAVE.
Change means many things. To make someone or something different, to alter or modify, or to replace something with something else of the same kind that is newer or better-are all variations of change. Fall is the season of change; and with the New Moon in Scorpio pushing us to transform, now is the perfect time to set clear intentions for the next month, start new projects, and reflect on how much you have grown. Now is a great time to look inward at issues, thought patterns, and negative behaviors that you need to change. This month my focus is on changing my perspective about negative situations. I am bi-polar, so anxiety is usually my go-to when under stress. I started reading a book titled: "Good Anxiety-Harnessing The Power Of The Most Misunderstood Emotion" by Wendy Suzuki and Billie Fitzpatrick. It begins by explaining exactly what anxiety is on a neurological level. Then, it gets into how anxiety can be beneficial when one is taught to take control over stress responses by taking responsibility for patterns of behavior, and intervening to manage encounters with outside stressors. So, basically-we can learn to use anxiety to improve our lives, instead of struggling with it. That sounded crazy to me at the time, but watching a dog-training video today, I finally got it (shout out to Dog Daddy-he is a master of his craft). Pressure applied causes us to move. My anxiety has forced me to go outside of my comfort zone, into new worlds full of new techniques and new information that have changed my life. Anxiety does not disappear, but it can transform from a negative state to one collectively more positive-with time and proper guidance. Fully utilizing mind-body intervention strategies can actually change your brains' chemistry, while also changing your relationship with anxiety. I don't know about you, but I am determined to heal myself from the inside out. We are turning into whole alchemists out here! In closing, I hope that this inspires you to reach out and find new information about, and new ways to cope with your mental health diagnosis- because no one can help you better than you can.
It has been a long time since I have used this space to express. I have been busy behind the scenes cultivating my craft. I took music lessons for about a year to learn how to sing better. I also took time out to learn more about myself, and magic. I needed space to have a real relationship with the Goddess that made me this way. The way that sets me apart from so many, to be displayed in all my awkward glory. I needed time to not have to "be" anything but alive, and NOT addicted to drugs. I needed a break. So, I took it. Started reading more. Paying bills. Doing stuff that "normal" people do that seems so foreign to me. Being- or better yet-pretending to be normal, takes so much effort. It is exhausting. Like making music. My music is so emotional for me, it forces me to tap into places that cause me great sadness... and it makes me not want to write. But I HAVE TO. This whole music thing is my life. It is my legacy. So, I have to push through whatever darkness that keeps me doubting myself, and make it to the next day.
That's that shit. One day at a time. Thank you rehab.
Keep coming back.
My mental health diagnosis has forever altered my life. Knowing what is going on with you on the inside helps you to navigate through life with more purpose. My objective is always stability. Stability is challenging for someone with a Mood Disorder because our chemistry is oftentimes contrary to our physical intentions. I am learning how to re-direct myself toward more healthy behaviors and thought patterns. Consistency is key; as is calm. Two things that I struggle with. I get frustrated with my emotions. I lack them where I feel like I need them, and have too many of them for situations that don't require them. As much as I wish that I were different-I don't know what that would look like. I do love My Self, but there are pieces of me I wish that I could replace with something else. I just don't know what that "else" would be. So, I keep them-all of my broken parts. I know that one day I can make something beautiful out of something broken.
For a long time, I felt like I didn't have a voice. I grew up in an environment that did not allow a safe space for children to express themselves honestly. Secrets kept us swept up in a cycle of dysfunction as sins and sorrows were unwittingly passed down from gardener to seed. Thus, the saga continued as spiritual afflictions possessed generation after generation, each more diluted than the next. We were trapped. Trapped in a cycle of madness. Trapped in a cycle of ritual abuse. Trapped in a cycle of addiction. Trapped in a cycle of mis-information. But, you can't hide what is True. What is Real. What is Genuine, and from the Heart. These truths are told through music and transmitted through emotion. Music speaks on what people truly feel, and would usually under any other social circumstance suppress. This is primarily due to being subjected to unsupportive environments that neither nurture, nor encourage individuality. Music speaks on what is hidden and taboo. Music is a safe-haven, especially for the emotionally scarred. Hip-Hop music gave me Power. Hip-Hop music is Empowering. It helped shape me into the woman I AM today. Hip-Hop showed me how to dress for success, how to speak money, how to move in the street, how to learn quickly, and how to love My Self. This is the Essence of Hip-Hop. What does Hip-Hop music mean to me? Freedom. The power or right to speak, act, or think as one wants without hinderance or restraint. This is the True Spirit of Hip-Hop. The state of not being enslaved. Independence.
What does hip-hop mean to you?
There was a time when I could not see My Self.
I would look in the mirror, and scrutinize every little detail of my body.
Too light. Too dark. Too much hair here. Not enough hair there. Maybe I should fix this. I wish this didn't look like that-it never ended. Then, one day I had a flash back about the first time I was told there was something wrong with me. The way I viewed my self had been skewed. Before that confrontation, the way I spoke to my self had always been very positive, hopeful, and encouraging. I dreamed with no abandon, I expressed my self authentically, I believed in my ability; and generally felt like a beautiful person-until someone that I loved told me something different. And- I believed them. I believed that my hair was too nappy. I believed the fat on my stomach was disgusting. I believed that my butt wasn't big enough to be desirable. I believed that my dark skin needed to be lightened. I believed that my lips were too big.
The old me had died, and the zombie that arose in her place came from the pits of hellish depression and oppressive addiction. For years, this was my prison.
My mind. My doubt. My lack. My shame. I was trapped. Stuck. Pending.
I'm not very sure what broke the cycle. The transe I was in was all-encompassing, and the only constant other than my pain, was my music. No matter where I was, or what I was going through-I always wrote music. Trap houses. Hospitals. Jail. Mansions. Graveyards. Didn't matter. Everything inspired me-but nothing moves more than emotion. We all feel very deeply, and things must be spoken into existence. If left unexpressed they can make us explode into a thousand little pieces of unrealized potential. So, I wrote. I rapped. I screamed. I wrote about who I wanted to be, who I used to be, who I wanted to see. I rapped harder than they wanted me to, I rapped about situations and issues that certain people didn't want to confront, I rapped like my life depended on getting my point across-when really I just needed the poison out of my system. I screamed into that microphone and peaked out my tracks, I screamed so loud I became a weapon, I screamed so loud that I woke My Self up.
Now- I AM HERE. I AM THE FURY OF ABYSS.
Now, when I look in the mirror-I no longer see a body that needs to look different.
I see a Spirit that needs to move different. Somewhere along the line I forgot who I was.
I got caught up in the lies. I got caught up in the fear. I got caught up in the hype.
FURY is the knew trend. Primal. Ancient. Natural. Aggressive. Authentic. DARKNESS.
We are Masters of Direction. We are Masters of Change. We are Masters of Fate.
I never knew that I didn't know what I wanted.
I thought I knew what I wanted.
I thought I knew who I was.
I had NO IDEA.
I could not yet fathom my potential, because I always defined myself based on what other people told me about My Self.
Who do you think you are? Ask, and I doubt you will get a serious answer.
Why then, are you trying to tell me, about me? Ask, and I guarantee your query will be met with silence.
I understand now, what is important.
It is not being understood.
It is not being heard.
It is not proving a point.
It is-first and only-finding...My Self.
Understanding, My Self.
Healing, My Self.
Defining, My Self.
I thought that I was here to save the world.
But really, I AM HERE to save My Self from The Deep Sleep. To Remember. To Learn. To Serve.
Fear must become a thing of the past now.
There is no room for soft.
No use for scared.
No time for sorry.
I know exactly who I AM.
I know exactly what I WANT.
I will stop at nothing to get there.
These are the ways I will master my fate.
How do you define success?
I like to use each of my digital platforms to express different parts of my brand. I AM MY BRAND. But, everything isn't for all the time, or for every place. For instance-on my Masters of Fate Musick Instagram you see #hyenaeats #lookingforher #almostveganeats #fromscratchlife #whatilearned #furyworld #writerslunch under photos that reflect my personal world and those that inhabit it. I rarely ever use Twitter-I think it's lame, and will probably never post there. Twitter seems to be utilized mostly by celebrities-something I have no aspiration to become. I use Facebook to promote my website and new musick, to connect with colleagues and fans, and to communicate with underground artists from across the globe. LinkedIn is something I am exploring more-as it seems to offer a lot of opportunity to make even more new connections within my field. I even have a Pintrest account; which has opened up all types of new doors with treasure troves of fresh data to wade through (nerd moment).
I say all of this, because after I set up all of my accounts and began to post, I then began to scroll through the endless amount of content from all types of people from all across the world. People that had lives that looked nothing like mine at all. People that had different clothes, different houses, different hair, different relationships...and I almost made the fatal dream-crushing mistake of mimimizing my accomplishments because they looked different than everyone else's. Instead, I scrolled down my own pages, and looked at my life without comparing it to anything but my own past. That was the moment I learned how important it is to stay in your own lane. If I look anywhere else at anything and anyone else
I am missing not just the point, but the purpose.
Today, I define my own success based on the goals that I set for myself, the actions I take to move toward them, and the results from those actions. No one defines my success-but me.
#mastersoffatemusick #thefuryofabyss #comeblogwithme
I learned A LOT about My Self this year.
I learned that I have Bi-polar Disorder.
I learned that I could manage my mental health.
I learned that I could still be a good mom in spite of unresolved trauma-and an extremely aggressive attitude.
I learned that my art was going to have to reflect my COMPLETE truth-and that that would neither be comfortable nor easy.
I learned that sometimes love just isn't enough-without respect and trust.
I learned that once my trust has been broken-there is no going back.
I learned that everyone is suffering and there is simply no more time to waste pretending otherwise-just get to fixing your shit!
I learned that I love My Self-and that I never have to fear ANYTHING.
I learned that in order to be successful-sacrifices must be made.
I learned that my path, my face, my journey-will never look like anyone elses. EVER.
I learned that that is okay.
I learned that there are some things, situations, and people that you will never get over-so you find a way through it-and that can be enough to eventually heal from said hurts and hangups.
I learned that eventually-you do heal.
My takeaway from 2020 is that I never gave more of a fuck about my life than I do right now.
I grew up this year.
I faced my fears this year.
And it only gets better from here!
Moving forward I hope you all have a lovely Knew Year-and welcome in Abundant 2021 aligned with your Power and determined to win! Love and Blessings!
#mastersoffatemusick #furyworld #lookingforher #fromscratchlife
So here we are.
Knew Season. Knew Opportunities.
I needed a moment...as I often do...to be still...
and to process all of the change both around and inside of me.
As an artist-I give a lot of my Self to the world through my musick.
This often leaves me feeling empty and vulnerable-a sure sign that I really went hard on a track-exposing my insecurities and bearing my tortured soul. It is healing-but it is also VERY painful.
So to stay balanced-sometimes I go dark.
(Hence the name.)
Only there-am I.
Only there-can I truly be.
My Inner Dwelling is where I find solace and acceptance.
My Goddess is there.
My Peace is there.
(My “get-a-grip“ is down there too.)
So today-I am accepting in myself a need to adhere to my own self-healing-cycles. That means saying “no” to some requests-that means slipping away from social situations including media to limit external over-stimulation and distractions-and it means that for a while a lot of my time will be spent sitting in silence communing with my Self-plotting my next moves.
Stay tuned in and turned up.
#whatilearned #furyworld #lookingforher
Lately-it has been super hard to get motivated.
I'm cold. I'm sleepy. I'm staying home.
The season is changing. We are shedding our now familiar coats to make room for the fall of summer-and I am feeling the fade in every sector of my soul. The air smells different. The weather feels different. The sky looks different. So much change. So much adjustment. Well-bring on the extra self-care! More pillows. More candles. More hoodies. Comfort food. Hot chocolate. Damn. This season does have a flavor all of its own.
This may not be so bad after all!
The goal for this week: Take it slow and honor Nature's flow. Peace and Love!
#mastersoffatemusick #lookingforher #furyworld
I haven't written an article in over two weeks.
I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was over...engagement.
For me-there always reaches a point where I need to shut out the world and revert back to the always comforting and ever familiar anti-social Hermit Mode (shout out to all the Scorpios in the buliding)-especially after long periods of having to be around people and working very hard. I get overwhelmed-and when I push myself too far out of my comfort zone without buffering the noise with proven grounding techniques like prayer and meditation-I collapse. Every time. I keep testing this theory like I don't already know whats up. I need to find a way to connect all of these snippets of information into fluid succint action-if I am to change-and I want to-desperately. I have to push myself to be more disciplined. No one can change me. I have no excuses other than that I am uncomfortable with opposition and change. That's okay. I can take that. What I can not take though-is not giving myself an honest chance as a direct result of not showing up. That is lame. I am not lame. I do sabotage my growth a lot and often. However-the fact that I can both see and acknowlege that-means that I am growing-and changing...and that there may be hope for me yet!
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