NOVEMBER 3 2023

I started a YouTube Channel. I can hardly believe it. I didn't feel READY...but I felt COMPELLED. I am so tired of struggling. I am so tired of begging. I am beyond tired of waiting. So, I started. I am finally investing in my SELF. I am finally INVESTING my time-instead of spending it. I am finally ready to see what I AM made of. I want to see how much GOD.dess loves me-because it will take a miracle for us to come up out of the mud clean. I am in it though. I am in this for the long haul. I won't give up. I believe that you can change, and have a good life in spite of your past mistakes. Universe-I hope you see me down here giving it my all.

I love you.

Change means many things. To make someone or something different, to alter or modify, or to replace something with something else of the same kind that is newer or better-are all variations of change. Fall is the season of change; and with the New Moon in Scorpio pushing us to transform, now is the perfect time to set clear intentions for the next month, start new projects, and reflect on how much you have grown. Now is a great time to look inward at issues, thought patterns, and negative behaviors that you need to change. This month my focus is on changing my perspective about negative situations. I am bi-polar, so anxiety is usually my go-to when under stress. I started reading a book titled: "Good Anxiety-Harnessing The Power Of The Most Misunderstood Emotion" by Wendy Suzuki and Billie Fitzpatrick. It begins by explaining exactly what anxiety is on a neurological level. Then, it gets into how anxiety can be beneficial when one is taught to take control over stress responses by taking responsibility for patterns of behavior, and intervening to manage encounters with outside stressors. So, basically-we can learn to use anxiety to improve our lives, instead of struggling with it. That sounded crazy to me at the time, but watching a dog-training video today, I finally got it (shout out to Dog Daddy-he is a master of  his craft).  Pressure applied causes us to move. My anxiety has forced me to go outside of my comfort zone, into new worlds full of new techniques and new information that have changed my life. Anxiety does not disappear, but it can transform from a negative state to one collectively more positive-with time and proper guidance. Fully utilizing mind-body intervention strategies can actually change your brains' chemistry, while also changing your relationship with anxiety. I don't know about you, but I am determined to heal myself from the inside out. We are turning into whole alchemists out here! In closing, I hope that this inspires you to reach out and find new information about, and new ways to cope with your mental health diagnosis- because no one can help you better than you can. 

My mental health diagnosis has forever altered my life. Knowing what is going on with you on the inside helps you to navigate through life with more purpose. My objective is always stability. Stability is challenging for someone with a Mood Disorder because our chemistry is oftentimes contrary to our physical intentions. I am learning how to re-direct myself toward more healthy behaviors and thought patterns. Consistency is key; as is calm. Two things that I struggle with. I get frustrated with my emotions. I lack them where I feel like I need them, and have too many of them for situations that don't require them. As much as I wish that I were different-I don't know what that would look like. I do love My Self, but there are pieces of me I wish that I could replace with something else. I just don't know what that "else" would be. So, I keep them-all of my broken parts. I know that one day I can make something beautiful out of something broken. 

 ASE'

There was a time when I could not see My Self.

I would look in the mirror, and scrutinize every little detail of my body. 

Too light. Too dark. Too much hair here. Not enough hair there. Maybe I should fix this. I wish this didn't look like that-it never ended. Then, one day I had a flash back about the first time I was told there was something wrong with me.  The way I viewed  my self  had been skewed. Before that confrontation, the way I spoke to my self had always been very positive, hopeful, and encouraging. I dreamed with no abandon, I expressed my self authentically, I believed in my ability; and generally felt like a beautiful person-until someone that I loved told me something different. And- I believed them. I believed that my hair was too nappy. I believed the fat on my stomach was disgusting. I believed that my butt wasn't big enough to be desirable. I believed that my dark skin needed to be lightened. I believed that my lips were too big. 

Then...I disappeared.

 The old me had died, and the zombie that arose in her place came from the pits of hellish depression and oppressive addiction. For years, this was my prison. 

My mind. My doubt. My lack. My shame.  I was trapped. Stuck. Pending.

I'm not very sure what broke the cycle. The transe I was in was all-encompassing, and the only constant other than my pain, was my music. No matter where I was, or what I was going through-I always wrote music. Trap houses. Hospitals. Jail. Mansions. Graveyards. Didn't matter. Everything inspired me-but nothing moves more than emotion. We all feel very deeply, and things  must be spoken into existence. If left unexpressed they can make us explode into a thousand little pieces of unrealized potential. So, I wrote. I rapped. I screamed. I wrote about who I wanted to be, who I used to be, who I wanted to see. I rapped harder than they wanted me to, I rapped about situations and issues that certain people didn't want to confront, I rapped like my life depended on getting my point across-when really I just needed the poison out of my system. I screamed into that microphone and peaked out my tracks, I screamed so loud I became a weapon, I screamed so loud that I woke My Self up.

 Now- I AM HERE. I AM THE FURY OF ABYSS. 

Now, when I look in the mirror-I no longer see a body that needs to look different.

 I see a Spirit that needs to move different. Somewhere along the line I forgot who I was.

I got caught up in the lies. I got caught up in the fear. I got caught up in the hype. 

FURY is the knew trend. Primal. Ancient. Natural. Aggressive. Authentic. DARKNESS.

We are Masters of Direction. We are Masters of Change. We are Masters of Fate.

ASE'.

How do you define success?

I like to use each of my digital platforms to express different parts of my brand. I AM MY BRAND. But, everything isn't for all the time, or for every place. For instance-on my Masters of Fate Musick Instagram you see #hyenaeats #lookingforher #almostveganeats #fromscratchlife #whatilearned #furyworld #writerslunch under photos that reflect my personal world and those that inhabit it. I rarely ever use Twitter-I think it's lame, and will probably never post there. Twitter seems to be utilized mostly by celebrities-something I have no aspiration to become. I use Facebook to promote my website and new musick, to connect with colleagues and fans, and to communicate with underground artists from across the globe. LinkedIn is something I am exploring more-as it seems to offer a lot of opportunity to make even more new connections within my field. I even have a Pintrest account; which has opened up all types of new doors with treasure troves of fresh data to wade through (nerd moment).

I say all of this, because after I set up all of my accounts and began to post, I then began to scroll through the endless amount of content from all types of people from all across the world. People that had lives that looked nothing like mine at all. People that had different clothes, different houses, different hair, different relationships...and I almost made the fatal dream-crushing mistake of mimimizing my accomplishments because they looked different than everyone else's.  Instead, I scrolled down my own pages, and looked at my life without comparing it to anything but my own past. That was the moment I learned how important it is to stay in your own lane. If I look anywhere else at anything and anyone else

I am missing not just the point, but the purpose. 

My purpose. 

Today, I define my own success based on the goals that I set for myself, the actions I take to move toward them, and the results from those actions. No one defines my success-but me.

#mastersoffatemusick #thefuryofabyss #comeblogwithme

So here we are.

Knew Season. Knew Opportunities. 

I needed a moment...as I often do...to be still...

and to process all of the change both around and inside of me.

As an artist-I give a lot of my Self to the world through my musick. 

This often leaves me feeling empty and vulnerable-a sure sign that I really went hard on a track-exposing my insecurities and bearing my tortured soul. It is healing-but it is also VERY painful. 

So to stay balanced-sometimes I go dark. 

Real dark. 

Abyssmal dark.  

(Hence the name.) 

Only there-am I. 

Only there-can I truly be.

My Inner Dwelling is where I find solace and acceptance.
My Goddess is there.
My Peace is there. 

(My “get-a-grip“ is down there too.)

So today-I am accepting in myself a need to adhere to my own self-healing-cycles. That means saying “no” to some requests-that means slipping away from social situations including media to limit external over-stimulation and distractions-and it means that for a while a lot of my time will be spent sitting in silence communing with my Self-plotting my next moves.

Stay tuned in and turned up.

 #whatilearned #furyworld #lookingforher

I haven't written an article in over two weeks.

I wasn't mad. I wasn't sad. I was over...engagement.

For me-there always reaches a point where I need to shut out the world and revert back to the always comforting and ever familiar anti-social Hermit Mode (shout out to all the Scorpios in the buliding)-especially after long periods of having to be around people and working very hard. I get overwhelmed-and when I push myself too far out of my comfort zone without buffering the noise with proven grounding techniques like prayer and meditation-I collapse. Every time. I keep testing this theory like I don't already know whats up. I need to find a way to connect all of these snippets of information into fluid succint action-if I am to change-and I want to-desperately. I have to push myself to be more disciplined. No one can change me. I have no excuses other than that I am uncomfortable with opposition and change. That's okay. I can take that. What I can not take though-is not giving myself an honest chance as a direct result of not showing up. That is lame. I am not lame. I do sabotage my growth a lot and often. However-the fact that I can both see and acknowlege that-means that I am growing-and changing...and that there may be hope for me yet!