SEPTEMBER 2 2020

My therapist told me that I form unhealthy relationships. 

This is true.

I wonder if she knows that I also generate unrealistic expectations of people? 

Probably.

Today #whatilearned is just how much I stay attaching my feelings to other people's opinions and actions. 

Opinion: a view or judgment formed about something-not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. 

So- I give a f**k why?

Action: the process of doing something-typically to achieve an aim. 

So-you may have ulterior motives?

I will not spend any more time tripping over input. 

Criticism: the expression of disapproval of someone or something-based on perceived faults or mistakes. 

#whatilearned is that if I believe even one negative notion or entertain even a single negative remark made about me-then I kill any chance that I have of becoming who I AM. 

I know who I AM.

You can’t make me feel anything but grateful for the challenge.

#Mastersoffatemusick 

I had a great day today.

I learned about the sacral chakra-and that mine is blocked. I look forward to researching this more and writing an informative article about it. I am going to enjoy that-I love to write.

I hung out with Fire and my oldest girl friend. We tried something called “jelly fruit.” It was very exotic looking and delicious. We played with her animals and got to see all her trees and plants at her new house. It was amazing. 

Spending time with other females that I am so close to-alone-free-open and in our natural state-was unlike any feeling that I have ever felt before. It was like I was in the Garden of Eden. I have blissful thoughts when I indulge in the memories that we made together today.

I am surprised at how affected my life can be from one exchange. I mean-I have had a very trying two weeks. I suffer from PTSD and manic depression-and because of my addiction disease-medication is not an option for me. So-my lows are real low and my highs get real high. 

Staying sober-going outside-being around or talking to people-being touched-exposure to loud noises and keeping a balanced emotional state are all things that I struggle with. Daily. So-to be able to leave my house after nine days of barely leaving my bedroom-and to spend time in a healthy environment with positive people totally vibing on an authentic level-everything.

 I am so grateful.

Days like this show me how important it is to keep working through my mental health issues even when I have a setback. Having an episode or a “bad day” (even if that day lasts a week) does not negate all of the work that I have done nor the progress that I have made. I am really hard on myself (my therapist told me that today) so now I am researching the  “inner critic” and learning about healing the inner child. I look forward to sharing #whatilearned with all of you!

Thank you so much! Blessings! I love you!

Listen to CREEP by me-THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube or Spotify. 

My new track BRIGHTER TIMES drops this Friday!

Make sure to go stream BRIGHTER TIMES on any digital platform 08/28/20!

#mastersoffatemusick #dmv #furyworld #mentalhealthmatters #anythingispossible #creep

Even after everything that you have done to me-I still dream of you every night. Every night.

That‘s what sucks about casting spells-when you are not properly trained in the craft-young-betrayed-in love-impetuous- and trying to exact revenge-you end up cursing yourself-and that is precisely the rookie crap I pulled. Now- I am stuck with what I tried to put on someone else. This is why revenge is best left kept up to Karma.

I just wanted an apology.

I just wanted him to understand.

I wanted him to feel what I felt. Oh well.

I learned my lesson though.

Keep it on paper. Put it on wax.

Never forgive. Try to forget.

I hope I can.

Oh how she wept.

Trying to heal.

And seek revenge.

Listen to CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube and all streaming platforms worldwide! 

Do you give second chances?

How much is too much?

Is there anything you simply could not bring yourself to forgive?

I believe that forgiveness-like love-is an action.

I can show you better than I can tell you.

 #neverforget  #mastersoffatemusick

I went to rehab in 2019. 

It was probably the single most influential experience of my life. I learned things in that program that I did not know I lacked. It was almost like I didn't know how to be human. I did not know how to communicate properly-I did not have any healthy coping skills-I did not have a positive view of myself.  Materialistically I had everything-emotionally I was abandoned-spiritually I was destitute. 

I didn’t know who I was. I knew I was a mom and a wife. That was how I defined myself-exclusively. Even though I had other advanced skill sets and unique aspects to my own character-that was all I claimed as my own identity. So-once my drug-addled life caused my position to shift and I lost my family-I literally did not exist anymore. So many women experience this both inside of recovery and outside of recovery-the loss of ones self and the inability to know ones worth outside of service to others-and it sucks-because you never really feel fulfilled-nor appreciated. Yet still and in spite of all of that-out of love and loyalty- you willingly submit all of your attention and energy-you subject yourself to abuse-you hide your strength-your intellegence-your power-and your talent-all to keep people around that pretend to love you-but only see you as a source to feed off of. 

Oh yes-vampires are real. But they don't want your blood. They want your energy. 

So we slowly kill ourselves with drug use-trying  desperately to find ourselves again-and craving to feel connected to something real-something  greater-than the false reality that we share with imposters posing as family-saviors-prophets-and friends.  

I didn’t just get high to pass the time. I was looking for God. 

Why do you think it’s called “getting high?”  

To pay homage to that warm enveloping womb-like feeling... 

That void. That numb. That still. That elevator. Damn.

I just wanted to feel something and feel nothing all at the same time. 

It was all so temporary.  

Sigh. It is all...so temporary. 

Listen to my new song CREEP by me THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-and all streaming platforms worldwide! If you like my song CREEP like share and add CREEP to your playlist! Look out for my new single BRIGHTER TIMES dropping next week! I love you all-keep looking up and moving forward! #mastersoffatemusick #realmcsonly #godisinthedna #skywatchers #dmv #realhiphoponly #hiphop #nerdcore #newmusic #dailyblog #furyworld #baltimore #recovery #familyiseverything #rememberthat #lookingass

I have been deep in my feelings all week-and can not seem to climb out of them.

You know how you think you feel one way about something-then it rains and you feel completely different? Or you think you have forgiven something-then you hear a song-see a commercial-and get angry all over again? How do we know when we are truly “over” an issue?

I wish that I was a stable and balanced person. I am not. 

I make great plans. I have wonderful intentions. However- my follow through is completely emotion-based. How can one function like this? Lots of artistic outlets-a strong connection to my Higher Power-lots of therapy-and a VERY understanding family.  

Spiritual practices like deep-breathing techniques-writing-and meditation are all tools that I use to keep myself grounded. I did not realize until very recently that these things are as important to my mental health as food is to my physical health. These things are no longer hobbies and pastimes-they are absolutely necessary for my survival-and that is a fact.

Getting real about mental health in 2020 has to be a priority if I want my life to be more than a series of violent charges-disappointed people-and failed piss tests. 

I want more. 

I am here for it.  

Are you?

Listen to my song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube and all streaming platforms worldwide! Like CREEP-add it to your playlist-share it with a friend! Love you-See you tomorrow! #mastersoffatemusick #dmv #realhiphop #nerdcore #furyworld

Have you ever been so sad that you can barely breathe?

Your heart so heavy with a thick mucus like depression-that air seems like a thing of the past-and you are left gasping for a peace that refuses to come. Yeah. PTSD sucks. Sprinkle in some severe anxiety and manic depression and hey-why not some insomnia and night terrors to boot? Why not. 

I never understood why there were times that I couldn’t even walk outside without having a full blown anxiety attack. Just the idea of having to be around other people sent me into a complete spiral-and my life became a series of cancelled appointments and missed opportunities. 

Therapy and rehab help with some things-but nature is nature-and there are some things about the way that my brain works that will never change. Of course anything is possible-but I am beginning to accept my mental “alterations”. I am who I am-and sometimes I feel like I am something that isn’t designed the way that I want it to be. Such is my journey on a path to self-acceptance. It’s a narrow one-but I’m walking it. Ever so slowly.

Maintaining balance is a constant challenge when you have a mental health condition. Chemical influences alter moods-cycles-and appetites; therefore-it is practical for people like us to learn coping skills to help keep our bodies and minds healthy.

Happiness is a choice you make. Once you decide that you are going to be happy-you begin to think and behave in ways that will manifest happiness.

Here are a few helpful ways that I use to move from primal to productive state when my vibes are mad low:

1. Drink up to 4 liters of water a day-this cleanses the system of impurities.
2. Do not compare yourself to others-compare you today-to you from yesterday.
3. Do not try to impress other people-aim to impress somebody you can trust- yourself.
4. Take a cold shower-this stimulates the brain and helps with focus.
5. Meditate-this calms-grounds-and enhances focus.
6. Do not rely on relationships for happiness-only you can make you happy!
7. Work out-this increases confidence-helps to regulate healthy sleep patterns-and stimulates the growth of grey brain matter.
8. Stop using hard drugs and alcohol-you don't need them!
9. Keep a “leader mentality”.
10. Read-to enhance your vocabulary and to collect data on what really matters.
11. Breathe in prana (life-giving force)-through your nose and exhale negativity through your mouth.
12. Practice mindful gratitude-this is how to eradicate feelings of hopelessness and self-pity. 
13. Keep your area clean-filth has a very low vibration.
14. Practice martial arts/self-defense.
15. Take social media breaks often.
16. Do not ever limit yourself-so mind your thoughts-limitations begin in the mind.
17. Keep your bed made-this a discipline practice that is used to prime one for success and time management optimization.
18. Modify your caffeine and sugar intake.
19. Take nature walks often-if I don't go outside atleast once a day-I begin to go batshit.
20. Have a plan for what you want to do-how can you get anywhere if you don't know where you're going?
21. Stay aware of how you invest your valuable time and energy-time is our most precious asset-and it-like you-is irreplaceable.

Check out my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube-Spotify-GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide! If you like it-tell a friend then add it to your playlist! Thanks for sharing-I hope you love CREEP!

#mastersoffatemusick #creep #realhiphoponly #nerdcore #dmv #realmcsonly #dailyblog #furyworld

I  don't always believe in myself.

I believe that I have talent. 

I believe that I have potential. 

I believe that I really have the desire to be successful. 

However-I do not believe that I will show up and follow through every time. The woman that I want to be always comes through-no matter what. But-I have flaked on myself and others so many times that I no longer trust myself.

How can I trust God -or other people- when I struggle to trust myself? 

Track record. I can only go off of what has already been done-and what is being done now. I have to learn how to trust again.

Not believing in myself makes me worry about the future. I believe that if I can find a way to trust myself completely-then I would suffer significantly less anxiety indefinitely. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that I can change anything about my life that I deem worthy of improvement. 

I know that I am worthy of good things.

Sometimes I forget that I am worthy-because too often I  feel worthless. These feelings of insignificance are painful remnants from toxic relationships that left me feeling like my love and attention was not enough to deserve to be loved unconditionally.  

That sucks-but it happened- and I am all the stronger for it!

"Tragic matters of the heart make for great art, I got 99 problems but it won't be content! "

I believe you will love my new song CREEP by me-THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-GooglePlay-and YouTube! Check it out and if you like CREEP share it with all your family and friends and add it to your daily playlist! 

Thanks so much for your love and support!

"Inspiration comes and goes like ancient waves on barren shores."  -THE FURY OF ABYSS

Creation is a process-and it isn't always a simple one for me. As a business woman, mom, blogger, and recording artist-there  are alot of pressures for me to produce and perform in top form on a daily basis. I dont mind any of this-I actually love it-but when it comes time for me to take a break-I feel like I am not being productive. Then-I have to try to not let that feeling drive me nuts and totally ruin my well deserved "down-time".

I have shared before upon how heavily I rely on tarot readings for guidance-and lately a reoccurring message was posed to me in the form of several questions... 

Are you honoring the cycles? 

Are you acknowledging the seasons? 

Do you utilize the energies available to you when they are in flux?

I had to admit that at the time-I was not regularly practicing mindfulness enough to stay in tune with the cycles both properly-and continuously.  However-I was beginning to observe my own behavior-and had begun to pick up on certain moods and behaviors directly connected to particular times of the day and month. This was a step in the proper direction. In order to honor the cycles I had to first understand what they were.

Now- I make sure to pay close attention-not just to full moons or to what planet is in retrograde-but to my own unique rhythms and needs. Sometimes I need to work and sometimes I need to rest. Recovery taught me the importance of balancing daily life. I tend to become overwhelmed around people easily thanks to good ole' PTSD-so I have to be careful not to overextend myself by overloading my schedule. I also have to make sure not to take a guilt trip every time I want to veg out watching midget reality shows...sometimes a girl just needs a break.

Thank you so much for your love and attention. Go listen to my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide. If you like CREEP add it to your playlist and  share it with all your family and friends!