It has been about a year since I left rehab.
I don’t go to meetings. I want to-but it never works out because I always find an excuse to stay within the comfort and security of my own home with the kids that I selfishly spent so much time away from in the throes of my active addiction.
Every day I get an early-morning Just For Today email sent to my cellphone. I begin my day reading that-along with my horoscope-followed by a tarot reading most days.
As soon as I left rehab and moved into my own apartment-I broke my cellphone and lost all of my contacts-so I haven’t spoken with my sponsor in a year. (That sucks because she made me go through a one month initiation before she would even consider me for sponsorship.)
I sleep next to a mountain of books. AA and NA literature stay by my bedside and the smaller versions of the recovery books get toted around in my travel bag.
Today I decided that it was time for me to begin Step Work. I am looking forward to diving deeper into my own psyche. I wonder-what will I find there?
I did a lot of group work in therapy-but this is a more intimate process of evaluation. I have finally reached a point in my life where I am no longer afraid to face myself. I am good with my ugly.
Now my demons and I can move forward together-and not stay stuck in a place of denial.
I don’t deny their existence.
I don’t pretend they will ever go away.
But now-they won’t have to trigger my addictions and insecurities in a means to get my attention-because today I acknowledge my inner demons.
Every being wants to be acknowledged-and like I have always said-demons need love too!
#mastersoffatemusick -#dmv #innerdemons #masterplans #godisinthedna #lookingforher #whatilearned #recovery #singlemomlife
Today #whatilearned is how to appreciate the value of the time that I invest in my children.
I don’t usually spend large amounts of time with my kids all at once. Our groupings are usually spaced out in ten to fifteen-minute increments throughout the day and even when we do spend more time together I am often too short-tempered and only half-listening to what they say. Any working single parent in recovery could relate...but what kind of way is that for a child to grow up? Children just want attention and affection. Direction and discipline are simply not enough to create the type of high-quality humans that I am cultivating. I want all of my seeds to expand into entities that positively impact this world.
Which brings me to day one of the new school year. Today I spent more time in a single day with my kids preparing them for and getting them through each of their online classes-than I have spent with them collectively in the past month. #whatilearned was the importance of investing large amounts of time (in three to five-hour blocks) participating in the mindful direction of my young ones.
What I observed was that kids crave direction. They crave it. I genuinely did not realize the huge impact that every single decision that I make-has on them-which sounds ridiculous because-duh-I am their parent. But facts hit different when experienced first hand. Spending so much one-on-one time with them-I learned a lot about myself. #whatilearned was how alike we are and in what ways we are different and why. That helped me understand their behaviors a lot more-which then in turn allowed me to adjust the way that I interact-communicate-and educate them. I now have a clearer understanding of how my actions have impacted them-and I got to see how they mimic my ideals and mannerisms and outlooks. It was both magical and informative. They really are little clones that need molded and nutured. Today I made a choice to take the time to really ENGAGE with my children-to look deep into their eyes while they spoke-and to truly FEEL where they were coming from-and it gave me a new understanding of what it really means to be a parent.
This one beautiful day transmuted my encumbered outlook on the leadership positions that I hold in my life. My parenting style has already improved-as well as my overall attitude-and temperment.. #whatilearned is that parenting is not my burden-it is my blessing.
Moving forward-I vow every day to honor the sacred connection to Spirit that rests within what I created out of out TRUE LOVE (that can never be replaced.) I am more patient-because sometimes a perceived mistake on their part- is a major misinterpretation on my part. I don't have a partner to help me-so I constantly have to check and inspire myself. #singlemomlife! I am more understanding-because they are still learning-and sometimes I expect them to know things that they don't. I am a much happier person-because I feel fulfilled when I get to see my hard work pay off on the smiling faces of my beaming children.
#mastersoffatemusick #dmv #furyworld #lookingforher #familiyiseverything #whatilearned
I begin my day by looking up and in for direction. I know where I want be. I connect with Universal Energy so I flow there properly.
When you have a big dream-opposition is the challenging team-so you keep moving forward-in spite of negativity.
Even your flaws get you bonus points-you know that you have won when the naysayers begin to join-facts don't need enforced.
The monsters are real and been here longer than me-my rage and my alchemy make it easier to breathe around demons dressed like people in the street.
I keep a grimace-broad smiles are just a gimmick-to trick one into submission-that's how you come up missing-I keep it modest and about my business.
I AM seeker till I find-I AM make a way leave none behind-I AM tragedy refined-I AM blue girl trapped in brown-limitless and unbound.
My therapist told me that I form unhealthy relationships.
This is true.
I wonder if she knows that I also generate unrealistic expectations of people?
Today #whatilearned is just how much I stay attaching my feelings to other people's opinions and actions.
Opinion: a view or judgment formed about something-not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
So- I give a f**k why?
Action: the process of doing something-typically to achieve an aim.
So-you may have ulterior motives?
I will not spend any more time tripping over input.
Criticism: the expression of disapproval of someone or something-based on perceived faults or mistakes.
#whatilearned is that if I believe even one negative notion or entertain even a single negative remark made about me-then I kill any chance that I have of becoming who I AM.
I know who I AM.
You can’t make me feel anything but grateful for the challenge.
I had a great day today.
I learned about the sacral chakra-and that mine is blocked. I look forward to researching this more and writing an informative article about it. I am going to enjoy that-I love to write.
I hung out with Fire and my oldest girl friend. We tried something called “jelly fruit.” It was very exotic looking and delicious. We played with her animals and got to see all her trees and plants at her new house. It was amazing.
Spending time with other females that I am so close to-alone-free-open and in our natural state-was unlike any feeling that I have ever felt before. It was like I was in the Garden of Eden. I have blissful thoughts when I indulge in the memories that we made together today.
I am surprised at how affected my life can be from one exchange. I mean-I have had a very trying two weeks. I suffer from PTSD and manic depression-and because of my addiction disease-medication is not an option for me. So-my lows are real low and my highs get real high.
Staying sober-going outside-being around or talking to people-being touched-exposure to loud noises and keeping a balanced emotional state are all things that I struggle with. Daily. So-to be able to leave my house after nine days of barely leaving my bedroom-and to spend time in a healthy environment with positive people totally vibing on an authentic level-everything.
I am so grateful.
Days like this show me how important it is to keep working through my mental health issues even when I have a setback. Having an episode or a “bad day” (even if that day lasts a week) does not negate all of the work that I have done nor the progress that I have made. I am really hard on myself (my therapist told me that today) so now I am researching the “inner critic” and learning about healing the inner child. I look forward to sharing #whatilearned with all of you!
Thank you so much! Blessings! I love you!
Listen to CREEP by me-THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube or Spotify.
My new track BRIGHTER TIMES drops this Friday!
Make sure to go stream BRIGHTER TIMES on any digital platform 08/28/20!
#mastersoffatemusick #dmv #furyworld #mentalhealthmatters #anythingispossible #creep
Even after everything that you have done to me-I still dream of you every night. Every night.
That‘s what sucks about casting spells-when you are not properly trained in the craft-young-betrayed-in love-impetuous- and trying to exact revenge-you end up cursing yourself-and that is precisely the rookie crap I pulled. Now- I am stuck with what I tried to put on someone else. This is why revenge is best left kept up to Karma.
I just wanted an apology.
I just wanted him to understand.
I wanted him to feel what I felt. Oh well.
I learned my lesson though.
Keep it on paper. Put it on wax.
Never forgive. Try to forget.
I hope I can.
Oh how she wept.
Trying to heal.
And seek revenge.
Listen to CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube and all streaming platforms worldwide!
Do you give second chances?
How much is too much?
Is there anything you simply could not bring yourself to forgive?
I believe that forgiveness-like love-is an action.
I can show you better than I can tell you.
I went to rehab in 2019.
It was probably the single most influential experience of my life. I learned things in that program that I did not know I lacked. It was almost like I didn't know how to be human. I did not know how to communicate properly-I did not have any healthy coping skills-I did not have a positive view of myself. Materialistically I had everything-emotionally I was abandoned-spiritually I was destitute.
I didn’t know who I was. I knew I was a mom and a wife. That was how I defined myself-exclusively. Even though I had other advanced skill sets and unique aspects to my own character-that was all I claimed as my own identity. So-once my drug-addled life caused my position to shift and I lost my family-I literally did not exist anymore. So many women experience this both inside of recovery and outside of recovery-the loss of ones self and the inability to know ones worth outside of service to others-and it sucks-because you never really feel fulfilled-nor appreciated. Yet still and in spite of all of that-out of love and loyalty- you willingly submit all of your attention and energy-you subject yourself to abuse-you hide your strength-your intellegence-your power-and your talent-all to keep people around that pretend to love you-but only see you as a source to feed off of.
Oh yes-vampires are real. But they don't want your blood. They want your energy.
So we slowly kill ourselves with drug use-trying desperately to find ourselves again-and craving to feel connected to something real-something greater-than the false reality that we share with imposters posing as family-saviors-prophets-and friends.
I didn’t just get high to pass the time. I was looking for God.
Why do you think it’s called “getting high?”
To pay homage to that warm enveloping womb-like feeling...
That void. That numb. That still. That elevator. Damn.
I just wanted to feel something and feel nothing all at the same time.
It was all so temporary.
Sigh. It is all...so temporary.
Listen to my new song CREEP by me THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-and all streaming platforms worldwide! If you like my song CREEP like share and add CREEP to your playlist! Look out for my new single BRIGHTER TIMES dropping next week! I love you all-keep looking up and moving forward! #mastersoffatemusick #realmcsonly #godisinthedna #skywatchers #dmv #realhiphoponly #hiphop #nerdcore #newmusic #dailyblog #furyworld #baltimore #recovery #familyiseverything #rememberthat #lookingass
I have been deep in my feelings all week-and can not seem to climb out of them.
You know how you think you feel one way about something-then it rains and you feel completely different? Or you think you have forgiven something-then you hear a song-see a commercial-and get angry all over again? How do we know when we are truly “over” an issue?
I wish that I was a stable and balanced person. I am not.
I make great plans. I have wonderful intentions. However- my follow through is completely emotion-based. How can one function like this? Lots of artistic outlets-a strong connection to my Higher Power-lots of therapy-and a VERY understanding family.
Spiritual practices like deep-breathing techniques-writing-and meditation are all tools that I use to keep myself grounded. I did not realize until very recently that these things are as important to my mental health as food is to my physical health. These things are no longer hobbies and pastimes-they are absolutely necessary for my survival-and that is a fact.
Getting real about mental health in 2020 has to be a priority if I want my life to be more than a series of violent charges-disappointed people-and failed piss tests.
I want more.
I am here for it.
Listen to my song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube and all streaming platforms worldwide! Like CREEP-add it to your playlist-share it with a friend! Love you-See you tomorrow! #mastersoffatemusick #dmv #realhiphop #nerdcore #furyworld
Have you ever been so sad that you can barely breathe?
Your heart so heavy with a thick mucus like depression-that air seems like a thing of the past-and you are left gasping for a peace that refuses to come. Yeah. PTSD sucks. Sprinkle in some severe anxiety and manic depression and hey-why not some insomnia and night terrors to boot? Why not.
I never understood why there were times that I couldn’t even walk outside without having a full blown anxiety attack. Just the idea of having to be around other people sent me into a complete spiral-and my life became a series of cancelled appointments and missed opportunities.
Therapy and rehab help with some things-but nature is nature-and there are some things about the way that my brain works that will never change. Of course anything is possible-but I am beginning to accept my mental “alterations”. I am who I am-and sometimes I feel like I am something that isn’t designed the way that I want it to be. Such is my journey on a path to self-acceptance. It’s a narrow one-but I’m walking it. Ever so slowly.
Maintaining balance is a constant challenge when you have a mental health condition. Chemical influences alter moods-cycles-and appetites; therefore-it is practical for people like us to learn coping skills to help keep our bodies and minds healthy.
Happiness is a choice you make. Once you decide that you are going to be happy-you begin to think and behave in ways that will manifest happiness.
Here are a few helpful ways that I use to move from primal to productive state when my vibes are mad low:
Check out my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube-Spotify-GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide! If you like it-tell a friend then add it to your playlist! Thanks for sharing-I hope you love CREEP!
#mastersoffatemusick #creep #realhiphoponly #nerdcore #dmv #realmcsonly #dailyblog #furyworld
I don't always believe in myself.
I believe that I have talent.
I believe that I have potential.
I believe that I really have the desire to be successful.
However-I do not believe that I will show up and follow through every time. The woman that I want to be always comes through-no matter what. But-I have flaked on myself and others so many times that I no longer trust myself.
How can I trust God -or other people- when I struggle to trust myself?
Track record. I can only go off of what has already been done-and what is being done now. I have to learn how to trust again.
Not believing in myself makes me worry about the future. I believe that if I can find a way to trust myself completely-then I would suffer significantly less anxiety indefinitely. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that I can change anything about my life that I deem worthy of improvement.
I know that I am worthy of good things.
Sometimes I forget that I am worthy-because too often I feel worthless. These feelings of insignificance are painful remnants from toxic relationships that left me feeling like my love and attention was not enough to deserve to be loved unconditionally.
That sucks-but it happened- and I am all the stronger for it!
"Tragic matters of the heart make for great art, I got 99 problems but it won't be content! "
I believe you will love my new song CREEP by me-THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-GooglePlay-and YouTube! Check it out and if you like CREEP share it with all your family and friends and add it to your daily playlist!
Thanks so much for your love and support!
Your willing to go...
"Inspiration comes and goes like ancient waves on barren shores." -THE FURY OF ABYSS
Creation is a process-and it isn't always a simple one for me. As a business woman, mom, blogger, and recording artist-there are alot of pressures for me to produce and perform in top form on a daily basis. I dont mind any of this-I actually love it-but when it comes time for me to take a break-I feel like I am not being productive. Then-I have to try to not let that feeling drive me nuts and totally ruin my well deserved "down-time".
I have shared before upon how heavily I rely on tarot readings for guidance-and lately a reoccurring message was posed to me in the form of several questions...
Are you honoring the cycles?
Are you acknowledging the seasons?
Do you utilize the energies available to you when they are in flux?
I had to admit that at the time-I was not regularly practicing mindfulness enough to stay in tune with the cycles both properly-and continuously. However-I was beginning to observe my own behavior-and had begun to pick up on certain moods and behaviors directly connected to particular times of the day and month. This was a step in the proper direction. In order to honor the cycles I had to first understand what they were.
Now- I make sure to pay close attention-not just to full moons or to what planet is in retrograde-but to my own unique rhythms and needs. Sometimes I need to work and sometimes I need to rest. Recovery taught me the importance of balancing daily life. I tend to become overwhelmed around people easily thanks to good ole' PTSD-so I have to be careful not to overextend myself by overloading my schedule. I also have to make sure not to take a guilt trip every time I want to veg out watching midget reality shows...sometimes a girl just needs a break.
Thank you so much for your love and attention. Go listen to my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide. If you like CREEP add it to your playlist and share it with all your family and friends!
Like many other music artists-tattoos are a big part of my life. Tattoos have become a way not just for me to express myself-but to exercise negative energies from my body.
Some people cut themselves to get the same type of relief. I used to do that too, until I began to learn more about the power of symbols and how to use them to heal and conjure.
Because of my addiction to drugs-common ways of treating mental health issues are simply not an option for me. I have had to find alternative ways to manage my madness outside of using synthetic drugs-and art has aided and saved me in this way.
NEVER FORGET was my sixth tattoo. One morning I woke up after a very disturbing end-of-the-world dream and went directly to Temple Art Tattoo Studio in Hagerstown, Maryland-to get this message immortalized in my skin.
NEVER FORGET is emblazoned across my arm as a warning to remind me that time must always be respected. Time is the single most valuable asset that an being can have, and finite consequences ensue once an opportunity has been passed up.
May we always take the time to move right and respect the chime of the clock.
I AM THE FURY OF ABYSS-MASTER OF FATE
I have no limits...
Question everything except yourself...
I love My Ugly!
Today I just want to take a moment to express how grateful I AM for all that I have.
All that I am.
All that I will be.
I am living my dream, doing things I was almost too afraid to do...because I was almost convinced that I wasn't good enough.
I love my family.
Without them I have no purpose.
I love my haters, without you I'd have no resistance to aid my growth.
I love my demons, they keep me safe when the Angel's of Death try come.
Nothing is what it seems, and ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
I AM THE FURY OF ABYSS-
MASTER OF FATE.
Listen to my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS ON YOUTUBE, SPOTIFY, GOOGLEPLAY, and all streaming platforms worldwide. If you like my song add it to your playlist and share with all your family and friends!
Thank you so much for your love and support!
#mastersoffatemusick #realhiphop #hiphop #rap #nerdcore #dailyblog #creep
I would like to thank all the Masters of Fate Musick staff for their hard work, talent, and effort today on our very first photo shoot under our Mixed Media Project!
While we all have our own personal life goals, we still manage to come together for our projects and make them shine!
Such is the nature of stars, and each person on my team is one.
We are here to showcase a higher standard.
Of creating our own realities.
We are the gods.
We are the superhero’s.
We are the answer to our queries.
No one is coming to save us.
No one is going to give us a pass.
We have to fight for the freedoms that we want, and for the lives that we deserve.
No one is going to give it to us.
We have to create it for ourselves by taking advantage of every positive opportunity for growth that we have and never backing down. Even when the odds seem like they are against us...because really...the odds are never really against us...
#masteroffatemusick #dmv #staytuned
Tarot has become a very important part of my daily life. An ancient tool used not to "tell the future", but to awaken the subconscious mind using universal symbols, tarot readings are like voice mails from source energy pointing you in the most potential-filling directions.
Today, the second card pulled in my tarot reading (I use an app called Labyrinthos for daily readings and courses on how to decipher minor and major arcana) was The World Card. That serpent eating its own tail encircling the naked woman, is Ouroboros.
Coined "The Tail Devourer", this symbol of the sun and eternal unity represents the cycle of renewal and the fusion of opposites. Often depicted half light, and half dark, this representation of both Mercury and The Milky Way illustrates the dual nature of all things-and that these opoosites are NOT in conflict with each other.
Ouroboros is used in Alchemy as a purifying glyph, and that is why I am getting the infinity symbol that I currently have tatted on my arm turned into Ouroboros. When I got that infinity symbol tatted on me, I was a heroin addict struggling to awaken the warrior inside of me that was at the same time, trying desperately to wake my doped-ass up through art. Through the tattoes I would get after a trauma, the lyrics I would write when I was high, and all the seemingly random passages and notations I would write all over the walls when under trance.
Like all of my trauma, I want to turn my pain into something beautiful and productive; and tattoes are a mystical way to both manifest and to heal.
Everything is art. Art is the truth. Art cannot lie. However, art sometimes does conceal the truth so that a lie can be exposed.
Such is the nature of Ouroboros.
Listen to my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube, Spotify, GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide. If you like it, add it to your playlists and share with all your family and friends!
Thank you for your love, support, and attention.
I AM FURY THE ABYSS -MASTER OF FATE.
#mastersoffatemusick #dmv #realhiphop #recovery #ouroboros #hermeticwisdom #mercury #alchemy #tarot #treeoflife #loki #alchemicaldragon #tortoise #furyworld #singlemomlife #mentalhealth #rap #nerdcore #godisinthedna
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