SEPTEMBER 2 2020

My therapist told me that I form unhealthy relationships. 

This is true.

I wonder if she knows that I also generate unrealistic expectations of people? 

Probably.

Today #whatilearned is just how much I stay attaching my feelings to other people's opinions and actions. 

Opinion: a view or judgment formed about something-not necessarily based on fact or knowledge. 

So- I give a f**k why?

Action: the process of doing something-typically to achieve an aim. 

So-you may have ulterior motives?

I will not spend any more time tripping over input. 

Criticism: the expression of disapproval of someone or something-based on perceived faults or mistakes. 

#whatilearned is that if I believe even one negative notion or entertain even a single negative remark made about me-then I kill any chance that I have of becoming who I AM. 

I know who I AM.

You can’t make me feel anything but grateful for the challenge.

#Mastersoffatemusick 

Even after everything that you have done to me-I still dream of you every night. Every night.

That‘s what sucks about casting spells-when you are not properly trained in the craft-young-betrayed-in love-impetuous- and trying to exact revenge-you end up cursing yourself-and that is precisely the rookie crap I pulled. Now- I am stuck with what I tried to put on someone else. This is why revenge is best left kept up to Karma.

I just wanted an apology.

I just wanted him to understand.

I wanted him to feel what I felt. Oh well.

I learned my lesson though.

Keep it on paper. Put it on wax.

Never forgive. Try to forget.

I hope I can.

Oh how she wept.

Trying to heal.

And seek revenge.

Listen to CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on YouTube and all streaming platforms worldwide! 

I went to rehab in 2019. 

It was probably the single most influential experience of my life. I learned things in that program that I did not know I lacked. It was almost like I didn't know how to be human. I did not know how to communicate properly-I did not have any healthy coping skills-I did not have a positive view of myself.  Materialistically I had everything-emotionally I was abandoned-spiritually I was destitute. 

I didn’t know who I was. I knew I was a mom and a wife. That was how I defined myself-exclusively. Even though I had other advanced skill sets and unique aspects to my own character-that was all I claimed as my own identity. So-once my drug-addled life caused my position to shift and I lost my family-I literally did not exist anymore. So many women experience this both inside of recovery and outside of recovery-the loss of ones self and the inability to know ones worth outside of service to others-and it sucks-because you never really feel fulfilled-nor appreciated. Yet still and in spite of all of that-out of love and loyalty- you willingly submit all of your attention and energy-you subject yourself to abuse-you hide your strength-your intellegence-your power-and your talent-all to keep people around that pretend to love you-but only see you as a source to feed off of. 

Oh yes-vampires are real. But they don't want your blood. They want your energy. 

So we slowly kill ourselves with drug use-trying  desperately to find ourselves again-and craving to feel connected to something real-something  greater-than the false reality that we share with imposters posing as family-saviors-prophets-and friends.  

I didn’t just get high to pass the time. I was looking for God. 

Why do you think it’s called “getting high?”  

To pay homage to that warm enveloping womb-like feeling... 

That void. That numb. That still. That elevator. Damn.

I just wanted to feel something and feel nothing all at the same time. 

It was all so temporary.  

Sigh. It is all...so temporary. 

Listen to my new song CREEP by me THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-and all streaming platforms worldwide! If you like my song CREEP like share and add CREEP to your playlist! Look out for my new single BRIGHTER TIMES dropping next week! I love you all-keep looking up and moving forward! #mastersoffatemusick #realmcsonly #godisinthedna #skywatchers #dmv #realhiphoponly #hiphop #nerdcore #newmusic #dailyblog #furyworld #baltimore #recovery #familyiseverything #rememberthat #lookingass

Have you ever been so sad that you can barely breathe?

Your heart so heavy with a thick mucus like depression-that air seems like a thing of the past-and you are left gasping for a peace that refuses to come. Yeah. PTSD sucks. Sprinkle in some severe anxiety and manic depression and hey-why not some insomnia and night terrors to boot? Why not. 

I never understood why there were times that I couldn’t even walk outside without having a full blown anxiety attack. Just the idea of having to be around other people sent me into a complete spiral-and my life became a series of cancelled appointments and missed opportunities. 

Therapy and rehab help with some things-but nature is nature-and there are some things about the way that my brain works that will never change. Of course anything is possible-but I am beginning to accept my mental “alterations”. I am who I am-and sometimes I feel like I am something that isn’t designed the way that I want it to be. Such is my journey on a path to self-acceptance. It’s a narrow one-but I’m walking it. Ever so slowly.

I  don't always believe in myself.

I believe that I have talent. 

I believe that I have potential. 

I believe that I really have the desire to be successful. 

However-I do not believe that I will show up and follow through every time. The woman that I want to be always comes through-no matter what. But-I have flaked on myself and others so many times that I no longer trust myself.

How can I trust God -or other people- when I struggle to trust myself? 

Track record. I can only go off of what has already been done-and what is being done now. I have to learn how to trust again.

Not believing in myself makes me worry about the future. I believe that if I can find a way to trust myself completely-then I would suffer significantly less anxiety indefinitely. I know that I am capable of great things. I know that I can change anything about my life that I deem worthy of improvement. 

I know that I am worthy of good things.

Sometimes I forget that I am worthy-because too often I  feel worthless. These feelings of insignificance are painful remnants from toxic relationships that left me feeling like my love and attention was not enough to deserve to be loved unconditionally.  

That sucks-but it happened- and I am all the stronger for it!

"Tragic matters of the heart make for great art, I got 99 problems but it won't be content! "

I believe you will love my new song CREEP by me-THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-GooglePlay-and YouTube! Check it out and if you like CREEP share it with all your family and friends and add it to your daily playlist! 

Thanks so much for your love and support!

"Inspiration comes and goes like ancient waves on barren shores."  -THE FURY OF ABYSS

Creation is a process-and it isn't always a simple one for me. As a business woman, mom, blogger, and recording artist-there  are alot of pressures for me to produce and perform in top form on a daily basis. I dont mind any of this-I actually love it-but when it comes time for me to take a break-I feel like I am not being productive. Then-I have to try to not let that feeling drive me nuts and totally ruin my well deserved "down-time".

I have shared before upon how heavily I rely on tarot readings for guidance-and lately a reoccurring message was posed to me in the form of several questions... 

Are you honoring the cycles? 

Are you acknowledging the seasons? 

Do you utilize the energies available to you when they are in flux?

I had to admit that at the time-I was not regularly practicing mindfulness enough to stay in tune with the cycles both properly-and continuously.  However-I was beginning to observe my own behavior-and had begun to pick up on certain moods and behaviors directly connected to particular times of the day and month. This was a step in the proper direction. In order to honor the cycles I had to first understand what they were.

Now- I make sure to pay close attention-not just to full moons or to what planet is in retrograde-but to my own unique rhythms and needs. Sometimes I need to work and sometimes I need to rest. Recovery taught me the importance of balancing daily life. I tend to become overwhelmed around people easily thanks to good ole' PTSD-so I have to be careful not to overextend myself by overloading my schedule. I also have to make sure not to take a guilt trip every time I want to veg out watching midget reality shows...sometimes a girl just needs a break.

Thank you so much for your love and attention. Go listen to my new song CREEP by THE FURY OF ABYSS on Spotify-YouTube-GooglePlay and all streaming platforms worldwide. If you like CREEP add it to your playlist and  share it with all your family and friends!